


Crow

by get_up_danny_boy



Category: Phandom
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Dan Howell - Freeform, Dan Howell and Phil Lester - Freeform, Daniel Howell - Freeform, Depression, M/M, No Fluff, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Phil Lester - Freeform, Philip lester - Freeform, Sad, Suicide, YouTubers - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform, i think, idk - Freeform, phanfic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 17:59:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11318673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/get_up_danny_boy/pseuds/get_up_danny_boy
Summary: Trigger Warning: Contains suicide.This phanfiction is a one-shot.





	Crow

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: Contains suicide.   
> This phanfiction is a one-shot.

“Hello internet”

Dan let out a shaky breath as he looked over to his left and then back at the camera. “This is the end. It’s been really fun,” he paused and let out a small chuckle. He placed his finger beneath his eyelid, catching the droplets that fell. “You could say, this was the most fun I’ve ever had?” He weakly smiled and straightened his back, facing the camera “However, it’s over. I don’t think me and Phi-” he cleared his throat. The ring light shined brightly on his face, exposing the deepened black circles that dented his skin, and the wild individual strands of hair that shot in every direction. Tired. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do this anymore. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for everything. Goodbye internet” he said ending it with his signature wave and leaned forward to turn off the camera. 

“One..”

“Two..” 

“Three..” 

“No stop!” 

A sharp sound rang in his ears. The Deadman look in his eyes from minutes before was now official. Another heartbeat stopped but didn’t end. 

 

~Earlier~

 

“Dan, calm down!” Phil pleaded as he approached him. Dan had suddenly broken out into a fit, attacking Phil with his words. He couldn’t calm him down. He wouldn’t calm down. Their flat had turned into a mess. It resembled a bomb shelter. The colorful chairs had been pushed to every corner. Books tumbled off the shelf. Papers scattered across the wooden floor. 

“Shut up Phil!” Dan yelled causing Phil to flinch at Dan’s volume. 

“What has gotten into you?!” Phil yelled back flaying his right hand towards Dan then retracted it.

“I said shut up!” he growled and aggressively pushed Phil back causing him to crash into the fireplace behind them, knocking over two figurines they had made of themselves. Dan wiped the dripping sweat from his forehead and paced back and forth. Both Dan and Phil breathed heavily. Dan from anger. Phil from fear. 

Phil groaned as he stood up properly from the pain. He fixed his fringe and tugged his shirt downwards to adjust it. Dan watched Phil as he rubbed his forehead in frustration. “Alright, Dan. I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into you, ok? Go out. Cool down. Don’t come back until you have!” he scolded. Dan rolled his eyes, grabbed his jacket off the couch and stormed off. He slammed the door shut after he left Phil. 

 

Phil let out a sigh and sat down on the couch placing his face in his hands. Dan had never lashed out the way he did now. Sure, he’d get angry sometimes. Never to the extent of using physical violence. Maybe he should call Dan. Maybe not. Probably couldn’t handle another outburst from him. Perhaps something had happened to him that Phil didn’t know of. Even though it’s strange Dan wouldn’t tell Phil since they’ve been living together in the same apartment for around 6 years. 

Phil fiddled with his fingers debating whether he should talk to Dan. He grabbed his phone and opened the messenger app and clicked on Dan’s contact. 

 

**Hey, Dan...Despite you pushing and uncontrollably yelling at me, I’m still willing to help you. What’s up with you?**

I’m fine Phil.

**You can’t tell me you’re fine when you just lashed out at me like that! Tell me**

Phil.

**Where are you? Let me help you**

No. Leave me alone

**Please**     ✓✓ Read at 6:54 pm

**Dan answer me**

**Dan**

**Come on**

**At least come back home tonight** ✓✓ Delivered

 

Phil threw his phone on the cushion next to him, then took a look at it from afar to check if Dan messaged him. The familiar ding that sounded didn’t this time. 

 

Dan walked down the sidewalk with his hands in his pockets, observing the cold air that he exhaled every couple of seconds. 

**_Stranger_ ** _ : maybe u should just end it _

_ You _ _ : What do you mean?  _

_ Stranger is typing.... _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : ur life _

 

_ Dan gulped down the amount of saliva that had formed in his mouth. _

_ You _ _ : I don’t know...i can’t do that to my best friend _

_ Stranger is typing…. _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : they don’t care _

_ Stranger is typing…. _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : plus, even if they did, they wouldn’t grief because they’d know you’d be in a happier place _

_ You _ _ : You think I should? _

_ Stranger is typing.... _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : absolutely! I mean, from everything you've told me u should do it _

_ Stranger is typing…. _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : you said that you feel unwanted, unloved, useless, etc… and its true. If you know it then it is true _

_ You _ _ : ok..you’re right. I’ll do it tomorrow. I just need to film a goodbye video for youtube. _

_ Stranger is typing… _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : youtube? What’s your channel? _

_ You _ _ : danisnotonfire or Daniel Howell _

_ You _ _ : same thing _

_ You _ _ : doesn’t matter anymore anyways _

_ Stranger is typing… _

**_Stranger_ ** _ : no wait you _

_ Stranger is typing… _

_ You _ _ : goodbye  _

_ You have disconnected from the chat. Start a new one? _

 

Dan wiped the tears that had begun pouring down his face as he remembered his chat on Omegle the night before. It originally was a way to talk to someone about how he felt. He didn’t want to worry Phil so he’d figured he’d talk to a complete stranger. 

However, that stranger just encouraged him towards the darkness in the tunnel, not the light at the end of it. Well, it is the light, but take it as the other meaning and not the good one. 

He pulled his phone out of his warm back-pocket and looked it. It had already vibrated indicating a message ten minutes ago, but he decided to ignore it.

**Philly** : Dan answer me

**Philly** : Dan

**Philly** : Come on

**Philly** : At least come back home tonight

 

Dan sighed as he thought about replying to him. Should he? He probably should. Considering it’s the best thing Dan could do for Phil. The last text. 

 

Ok I’m coming back now Phil

**You finally answered. I was starting to get worried about you, Dan!**

 

Dan put the phone back in his pocket and began on his way back to the house. Though he had to make a small stop. 

After Dan got home, he unlocked the door with his keys and darted upstairs to his room, not giving Phil a chance to ask him where he’s been or any other question. 

He walked back down the stairs to Phil who looked very concerned. 

“Where were you, Dan?!” Phil asked pulling Dan into a hug. The last hug. Excuses tumbled upon each other in his brain. How about the truth for once?

“I took a walk” he replied moving away from the hug with a fake smile and eyes of a dead man. 

“Are you okay?”  Phil placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder.

Of course, he wasn’t okay. It was as if he had a cork in his mouth and couldn’t just find a corkscrew to let the wine spill. 

“Yeah” he lied. So much for the truth. He patted Phil on the back and walked to the kitchen. 

The last meal.

Phil followed him and observed Dan’s odd behaviors. He wasn’t himself. Dan opened the fridge and took a good scan. No food. Not any good food to be more accurate. He closed the fridge door and turned to face Phil who had been frowning. 

“Phil?” Dan said leaning in closer to him.

“Huh? Oh sorry. Kind of dozed off” he replied with a chuckle. Dan nodded and straightened his posture. 

“Ok...I’m going to my room. Are you heading to bed anytime soon?” 

“No, I’m staying up a bit longer...Why?”

“No reason” Dan pursed his lips and went to his room.

 

Dan got a piece of paper and pen. He looked at his watch: 8:13 pm. He began to write.

 

Dan took a deep breath. Hold it in for 7 seconds. Let it out for 5. Repeat. Calm down. 

He got up and set up his background, camera and lighting. The last video. He sat down on his chair and cleared his throat. 

“Hello internet”

Dan let out a shaky breath as he looked over to his left and then back at the camera. “This is the end. It’s been really fun,” he paused and let out a small chuckle. He placed his finger beneath his eyelid, catching the droplets that fell. “You could say, this was the most fun I’ve ever had?” He weakly smiled and straightened his back, facing the camera “However, it’s over. I don’t think me and Phi-” he cleared his throat. The ring light shined brightly on his face, exposing the deepened black circles that dented his skin, and the wild individual strands of hair that shot in every direction. Tired. “I don’t think I’ll be able to do this anymore. You guys are amazing. Thank you so much for everything. Goodbye internet” he said ending it with his signature wave and leaned forward to turn off the camera. 

“One..”  Crow.

“Two..” Inhale. Aim to the head. 

“Three..” Trigger pulled. The hammer snaps forward and a pin strikes the primer creating a spark, which ignites the gunpowder and the explosion propels the bullet out of the gun. 

“No stop!” 

A sharp sound rang in his ears. The Deadman look in Dan’s eyes from minutes before was now official. Another heartbeat stopped but didn’t end. 

 

Phil rushed over to Dan and placed his hand out of the gushing hole in his head. Blood uncontrollably spilled on his hands. Phil grabbed Dan’s phone and dialed 999 as his hands shaked violently.  The hot, salty tears were flooding Phil’s cheeks and dripping off his chin. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but all that came out were deep, gut-wrenching sobs that tore through his chest and convulsed his body. He sat down next to Dan, bringing him closer to his chest as he placed the phone to his ears, shaking and gasping. 

“H-Hello” he choked out a breath “My best friend, he...He shot himself please help him I don’t know what to do! I need help! Please!”

“Okay, we’re on our way please remain calm” a young woman replied.

“O-ok. Th-Thank you” He hung up and placed his forehead on Dan’s, now brick-red, curly hair. 

“It’s okay Dan. You’ll be alright. It’s a minor scratch” He caressed his pale skin stained with tears “Just like the time you fell down that hill, remember?” Phil looked at Dan’s lifeless eyes hoping for an answer.

Stage One: Denial

“You’re tired, I know. You should sleep. You haven’t been sleeping lately.” He took the gun out of Dan’s hand and replaced it with his own hand. 

Sirens wailed nearby. 

“We’re going to the doctor Dan. You never liked the doctor. We need to stitch you up and you’ll be ready to go. We’ll come back home and watch Attack On Titan together. Isn’t that nice?” 

Paramedics walked through the door and winced when they saw the sight of a shattered human being. 

Phil looked at them and smiled then looked back at Dan. “Okay, come on Dan,” he said while standing up and placing Dan’s arm around his neck. 

One paramedic approached Phil but was stopped by the another one. 

“Don’t” the paramedic said. 

 

Phil walked with Dan down the stairs and into the hallway of the building, blood dripping behind them. 

“Oh my God, Phil! What happened to Dan?!” a neighbor exclaimed running up to them with her hand on her mouth. 

“Nothing. He’s fine. We’re going to the doctor to get him fixed. He’ll be fixed. He’s Dan. He’s strong. He’s-” Phil felt tears form in his eyes and clutched Dan harder against him “He has to be fixed” He dropped to the floor, Dan still in his arms. “I can’t do this without him,” he choked, rocking back and forth. 

“Shhh,” she whispered.

Phil drew a deep enough breath to say, “I shouldn’t have told him to leave the house” Coughing, gasping and crying, he couldn’t stop. 

“It’s going to be alright Phil,” the neighbor said as she signaled the paramedics to take Dan away from Phil. She knelt down and gave Phil a hug as they pulled Dan off of Phil and onto a carrier. “Go back inside and check if he left you anything. I’ll tell them to wait for you” she gave him a reassuring smile. Phil nodded as he stood up and walked back inside. 

 

He returned to the paramedics three minutes later with a note in hand. 

“Sir, there’s nothing we can do,” one of them said.

Phil shook his head “Yes there is. He’s not dead” 

“A bullet passed through his brain”

“So what?! He’s not dead!” 

“Sir-”

“JUST TAKE HIM TO THE HOSPITAL!” Phil’s voice beamed throughout the neighborhood. He clenched his jaw and fists.

 

~Later~

“I’m sorry,” said the doctor, pitifully smiling at Phil

“So am I,” Phil said looking at his best friend’s corpse one last time before heading back home.

 

Phil arrived at a dull apartment. Colors had turned into black and white. House-plants seemed even more rotten. The carpet still had patches of blood. The smell had a new tint to it. A bad one. It was quiet. 

Phil sat down on Dan’s bed and opened the note Dan had left him. Dan’s voice echoed in Phil’s head as he read:

_ Dear Phil,  _

_ I’m sorry.  _

_ I had to. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. You might ask yourself: Why didn’t he talk to me?  _

_ And you might blame yourself. Don’t.You’ve been there for me so many times and I’ve dumped all my problems on you. I didn’t want to worry you. Phil, you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. You’ve made me feel every emotion possible.  _

_ Yes, Phil, I love you.  _

_ If you love me please just be happy for me! Someone said you would because you’d know I’d be happier. Like you said once: “When you’re happy, I’m happy!” Yes, I’m gone. It’s okay. You are strong Phil. I’m not. So just stay strong and when it’s your time, do it naturally.  _

_ And please, I recorded a video. Upload it. _

_ -Love, Daniel <3 _

 

“Damn it Dan!” Phil yelled and threw the paper. He got up and tugged at his hair.

Stage 2: Anger.

“How could he have done this to me?! Taking his own life!” he continued, his body shaking with anger. 

“There were other ways Dan! There were!” Phil’s lips quivered as he felt the blood under his skin boil. He looked at the gun then back at the camera.

“Ending your life might end your sadness Dan...but it caused me a whole other level of sadness” he whispered to himself. “And as much as I want to end myself because you left. I won’t! I promise I won’t” 

Phil pulled the sim card out of the camera and opened youtube. As he waited for the video to upload, he stared at the ceiling. He wasn’t going to edit it. There was no need. 

“If only you’d come to talk to me”

Stage 3: Bargaining

“If only I hadn’t told you to leave”

50% processed.

“If I was just fast enough to stop you before,” Phil closed his eyes and exhaled a long breath “Before you pulled the trigger…” 

70% processed. 

“If you just opened up to me one last time,” Phil moved the black cursor over to the  **Upload** button

100% processed.

“Then you’d still be here, and I wouldn’t have to click,” he said and pressed.

And now here were all the fans hoping it would another funny 10-minute skit from Dan. 

But it was just a minute video saying goodbye.

What was Phil supposed to say now? 

How would fans react? 

Would they blame Phil?

They would. Dan isn’t a useless human being. 

“I am,” Phil said his heart pounding every time he refreshed the page, watching view count increase. 

Stage 4: Depression. 

“I couldn’t help him. I’m the useless one. They’ll tweet at me. Angry. They’ll say: Why didn’t you help him, Phil? He’s your best friend!” 

Then it started. His phone blew up with notifications from Tumblr, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. 

The questions mostly ranged from “What happened?!” or “Phil what’s wrong with Dan” and every question you could think of. 

Some might have gotten the message, others could think of something less harmful. Like him leaving youtube. 

Except he left existence itself. 

 

Later, food became unimportant. Sleep took over his normal routines. The ones he’d do with Dan. He’d never open his phone to check for anything. His life was nothing anymore. He was just something with a beating heart, a pair of lungs, and a brain filled with loss and pain at this point. No meaning. No purpose. 

Phil slowly got out of bed, his chest exposing the lining of his rib cage. His stomach hollow. He walked to his bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. 

Promises are meant to be broken though. 

“If I could tear one page in my book,” he whispered grabbing a box.

“In my life,” The light reflected off the 4-inch blade peeking from the box.

“It would be the page where I was born” He took the piece of metal out, and placed the tip of it on his skin. 

“I sit. I suffer. I dream. I sit. I suffer. I dream. I dream. I dream. I dream…” The blade danced along his skin, it’s footsteps staining his arm in dark red. The sound of contained screaming was the music. Turning up the volume of the music would attract noise complaints. “I dream..And I hope not to wake up” 

His face drained out of color. From sickly pale to ghostly. He sat on the cold tiles and watched as the blood made its way on the dance floor which was his skin. 

 

Click. Footsteps. Screaming. 

But Phil didn’t care when he was pulled off the floor.

He didn’t care at all anymore.

He just wanted to be with Dan.

But others cared about Phil. They wanted to save the broken half of an inexistent whole. 

He didn’t want to be stitched up. He didn’t want to be saved. 

~The next day~

“Phil?” a calm voice said.

“Dan..?” Phil replied with his eyes closed. He could feel the light on the outside but didn’t want to open them yet. He heard Dan’s voice. Could it be? 

“No. I’m Doctor Edwards. I was the one who stitched you up” It wasn’t Dan. It was simply his mind playing tricks. Mocking his grief. 

Phil opened his eyes and felt them bleed with pain. It was permanent. 

Stage 5: Acceptance

Dan really was gone. He couldn’t do anything about it. He couldn’t help not doing anything about it. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil said with his chest vibrating as sobs escaped from his throat. The doctor sat on the edge of the bed and gave Phil a sympathetic smile. 

“It’s okay. I heard what happened, Phil. It’s normal to cry. But you shouldn’t stop living. Your friend wants you to continue on. Even without them” Doctor Edwards got up and gave Phil a pat. 

Just like the one Dan gave him before he left.  

“Wait but who brought me here?” Phil asked sitting up straight and flinching at the pain of his arm. 

“Your neighbor. She said you weren’t answering her calls or the door. She also said the door was unlocked and that’s how she got in” he replied then left. 

 

Phil was later discharged from the hospital. He went back home. 

He started eating again. He went back to his routines. 

He answered his texts, called back his mom, and explained on Twitter. 

Yes, he was still mourning. 

Yes, he’s never going to stop missing Dan.

Yes, he was alone in his apartment. 

But he wasn’t alone himself because he had his fans, friends, and family. 

And he will continue making videos on his channel. He will continue playing games. 

He’ll still make people smile because  _ that’s _ his purpose. 


End file.
